105 days ago I posted He is Enough, and when I was writing about God being enough I wrote with hope, a hope that would be my beacon of light in the unknown, or so I thought. The road collapsed, it felt like I was slipping though the cracks, but with every effort to get back up I felt pushed back to the ground and forced to crawl. My strength was of no aid, and my emotions took me to dark places, but where was God?
Hopelessness took over, I wanted to give up, negativity took domain of my mind, bitterness took root in my heart, disappointment gave me a list of failed plans, and anxiety gaves me tears to cry and a bed of nails to curl up on to remind me of the stingy attacks that would soon come again. Meanwhile the attacks of discontentment got worse than before, I got mad at God, questions without thought came out of my mouth, but the pain from my heart was real. I wanted to know why the pain of my past that I didn’t understand, and how is it God was able to make something beautiful out of something repulsive. It seemed so easy to openly attack Him with ridiculous questions such as why? or how?, but I didn’t understand and I was foolish to do what I did. The wounds of time and human vanity dug deeper, I wanted healing that didn’t come until I reached desperate hope, but even then depression had a hold on me in a time where I should’ve been wholeheartedly thankful because God provided and came though for me. It’s a pain that doesn’t go away, but a sickness in my bones, and the only cure is in Jesus, though being still and taking heart that He never left even in the darkest days and darker nights. Yes, I felt alone and vulnerable, but it’s in these times I need to take heart in the unknown and in change. There’s work to be done in my processes to take heart.
I’m finished with the depressing part, but my adventure continues…
Change is still running it’s course, my pain inside still resides, but I want to take heart despite my dispare and I want to be bold as the untold will of God directs my life.
I’m not going to Haiti this summer because God isn’t calling me to go, but that’s okay, I’m clinging to the fact God has something better.
In this moment I’m leaving the youth group for a yound adult group at my church, I’m watching God prepare me to be a disciple in ways He could’ve only planed as in the fall I hope to go on a gap year and most importantly hoping to finish last years school soon.
In the meantime, Merry Christmas, may the peace of God be with you throughout the rest of 2014.