Up On The Mountain

November has been a month of many things; some exuberant things, but also difficult things. Through this month I’ve struggled with my attitude. While I can say that some days I’m motivated and have a feel-good attitude about serving or learning, but other days I fall short and struggle. I love to serve and learn, but I’ve lost my patience; lost it with myself, and lost it with people from time to time. You could say that I’m breaking down, and perhaps it’s all too true. I suppose if you live the high life of adventure you have to come down at some point. That’s because in this past month I’ve moaned when it’s come to cleaning… I moan when I have to spend an afternoon cleaning rooms that guests have been in, and sometimes with people that I don’t think are the ideal cleaning team for me. I’ve even at one point during a dish clean had been in a real somber mood… I wanted to sit in a corner, cry and scream for what felt like no reason and not even being half done, I wanted to leave to avoid people. I get annoyed, not just by cleaning. I don’t know what to do about it half the time either. I blame being in introvert, howbeit, people don’t usually believe me because I apparently talk a lot… however, this also applies to the fact that I have the battle of choosing between sleeping or being alone, or sometimes doing homework. As silly as it sounds, I also get annoyed when people just say “hi Mel!” and nothing else. Really, I don’t want to feel obligated to say “hi” back, but I don’t want to be rude either. Did I mention there are days I want to be off of everything… life specifically. Truly, wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have laundry, or homework, or to apply for school, or summer jobs? Yes, it would be. Here’s the thing, it’s Thanksgiving week, and it feels like a wreck, thus I’m it’s more of what the heck! week. I find that while I could be thankful that I made it back to my parent’s house safely and that I’m living in the moment with hardly a choice, but doing it, but I can’t say I feel super thankful or joyful even though I should. As a matter of fact, I spent the past week feeling everything it seemed, as I backpacked the Guadalupe Mountains 15.5 miles over 4 days, and while that was a great without a doubt, I had to face the music and tell my story after backpacking and before coming home. Now I’m home, but after today it’s been a wreck. I hear bad news after bad news with my family. I’ve started reading James as my Bible study while I’m home… and if I’m being honest about applying the Word of God as true to life, then I must say I am learning through living intensely. I admit, trusting in God when things get difficult is something I am continuing to learn and it’s not fun, nor easy, because I find myself sometimes bitter and insecure as I deal with things I don’t enjoy. I know that in the church it’s said that “God is good all the time and all the time God is good.”
And meanwhile, I know that’s true because I’ve seen it repeatedly, I also know trusting that His plan for me and my family is greater than anything, but I’m bewildered, I’m anxious and have never felt more in the unknown more than now. I want to see God in some euphoric way, I want to meet God in a collision not just some spiritual-high every now and then. I feel distant from everything and sometimes even feel isolated because I find that I’m learning and relearning so many things and my ever following companion anxiety is my insecurity.

Shane and Shane — Though You Slay Me

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One thought on “Up On The Mountain”

  1. Melody, are you OK? I’m worried about you, my friend. Your post did not show up on your blog page. I want you to know that you are loved and missed! May God bless you and your family in this challenging time. He’s still walking with each of you! Love,CJ Date: Sun, 22 Nov 2015 01:24:41 +0000 To: cjseidlitz@msn.com

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