The Unknown, A Familiar Home

Me at the Guadalupe Mountains.
Me at the Guadalupe Mountains.

Four months of Walkabout down, five left to go. My time as a Walkabout is half over, and it’s been an opportunity of mountainous adventure though outdoor experience, such as, backpacking, mountain biking, kayaking, rock climbing, skiing, work experience, and people skills.
However, it’s more than the outdoor encounter, and the physical demands of living an adventurous life, but rather the spiritual and emotional effects. I have unanswered questions, and my unanswered questions are manifesting into battles for my attention and my attention is captivated by the questions, Why don’t I feel too different from when I first begin?
Should I feel lost or confident that God is doing some unforeseen work in my life for good?
Because whatever this means for me, I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal with the unanswered questions, except to keep asking. For example, why do I feel as though my relationship with God is distant and lessened since I decided to be a Walkabout? why does my life feel like a raging ocean in a storm and I’m just riding the waves with a drowning feeling over me? or how is it I can occasionally see what God is doing even though something in me knows He is doing more marvelous things in and through me than I can see.
God, I just want to be where you are! open my eyes to see You! meet me where I am! I have many more questions, but no answers, and little faith. Questions, for example,
why me, God? why do I have to see my family go through a mess of things and still have my own mess to deal with? when will you reveal your will for me? why do I feel like I am wandering in the desert for so long? why don’t I feel you, oh, God won’t you come near?
I find myself constantly struggling with the unknown, insecurities, goodbyes and patience, alas, all things I don’t like, but have been all too familiar with for months.
I’ve had to come out of my shell of not wanting to make friends, to having to make new friends, and now trying to figure out if these people at Walkabout are my friends. Thanks, apprehensiveness and insecure emotions for everything because now I’m trying to change and you’re still there. I’d also like to thank my lack of social confidence on you too. The unknown, goodbyes and patience all tie into one because first of all I have to be patient for God to reveal to me His will, meanwhile having to say goodbye to people whose lives I have been in for the past 3 years and them mine. With that in mind, I also have to keep my focus on the next 5 months of Walkabout in front of me, but also my future, and that means where I’m going and how I’m getting there. Personally with this experience I’d like to say it takes a lot more courage to know why you’re going than where you’re going even though I don’t know any of that information in my life at all. Thanks, all the chaos in my head, the insecurities screaming a me and my heart being torn between logical choice and heart wrenching emotion that’s just leaving a mess. I just want clarity! I’ve applied for 3 summer camps and by doing that I’ve been asking that God shows me where He wants me (either Texas or Michigan), but now I have to wait until February for the interviews and that raises more questions than answers. For example, what if I get offered all the camp jobs? what if God makes me chose where I get to go? how will I know that I’m making the best decision? what happens if I get all that I’ve spent the better part of the past 8 and a half years asking God for? will I be a great camp counselor?
Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh at all these questions, but for now I’m not because of the severity of them.     

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Unknown, A Familiar Home”

  1. I have to tell myself all the time to wait for Gods timing, I look back and everything that has gone wrong in my life has been because I was trying to force my own timing to my own plan. Trust in his plan and his timing! You may not see it working in your life but it is and you are growing from this amazing experience. We are always in such a rush for the outcome that we don’t enjoy the journey till it is over. Going back to college has really helped me a lot. There is so much to learn in general that helps me understand more of all aspects of life even Biblically. I recommend you continue your education and you will find people that have similar interest. We all love you and are very proud of you! Good luck with the camp counselor job and we will be praying for you.

    Like

  2. Just keep trusting God, Melody; He knows the plans He has for you. Follow Him one day at a time–He’ll take care of your future as you faithfully trust in Him. It was great seeing you before Christmas! CJ

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s