Category Archives: Waiting on God

Confessions of Patience

Confession one: I’m not the most patient person. Ask my mom, or my dad, and my sisters, ask my childhood best friends, ask my best friend, even ask around full-time staff and my fellow Walkies at Camp Eagle, or really anyone who has been in my life the past 3 years. They’ll likely tell you I’m not very patient. As expected, God has had me wait as I stretch out toward my goals, but often I’m reminded to slow down, stop and smell the roses, watch the clouds, stargaze, backpack/hike/climb up a mountain, bike down jeep roads and kayak down rivers, or even living the ordinary to learn an extraordinary lesson. No city sidewalks for this trailblazer, because city roads head to known places, and I have no idea where I’m going.

February, and now March, have tested my ability to trust God and people, but also my patience for God’s plan and again, with people. Here’s what I learned about myself: If patience is prudence, than I’m reckless. If patience is a virtue, than I am fruitless.

Learning this came through taking my SAT today, March 5, 2016, although many people, primarily my peers had encouraged me to reschedule this test. I interpreted their words as ignorant and harsh, and honestly, it felt condescending. I felt better only when my mom reminded me to be confident, because as I thought, who knows me better than my mom?

Confession two: Taking advice from my peers feels more like positive peer pressure and the result is you’re trying to hard. Now, I know, I had to be reminded they did it because of their care for me. Not to sound brash, but most of my young life of 19 years I’ve had many more adult companions/relationships/friendships who have been my mom’s age or older much because they “got me” better than my peers throughout my entire childhood and young adult years. As a result, it puts my peers at a much lower level of expectation for advice and trust.
Life lesson, learn from the wise, run from the foolish, and live your own life because you run your own business. 
Obviously God is the manager of your life, but it’s the counsel He gives you to run it that counts.

I’m no philosopher; just a student of life, but I’d like to assume suggestive thinking makes us rule out our confidence to please other people, or to seek their approval and to live outside our heads. I’m not that kind of person, nor do I want to be.

Confession three: I don’t make agile decisions, but if you call that patience to make the right decision it’s less than easy for me to say that’s true. I’m impatient with God. A few days ago I had been in a somber mood that hits me every now and then as a wave, but this time I started crying to God. I told God I wanted to know where I was going after Walkabout. I got discontent and turned impatient quickly as I asked God to give me some sign to where I was going before I have to make a decision. Because of my impatience with God, it can usually result in lack of faith. I keep saying to God, take me anywhere but New Mexico!

I know if God wants me somewhere, He’ll give me that innate desire to go, and sometimes I just got to trust God through the unknown though it sometimes makes me feel uneasy.

Truth is, I’m not patient. Being impatient doesn’t make my life anymore interesting than when I am patient. “Good things come to those who wait patiently,” they say, but I’m here to say whether patient or impatient life is still life. Disappointments, failure, joy or peace you still have to bear the fact that you have to be patient to yield your shortcomings or highest expectations. You won’t change with more patience, but you may grow with more acceptance, because darling in life you’ll always be waiting.

Confession four: I feel lost. I don’t know where I am going or how to get there. I’m still waiting to see how Walkabout has changed me. I’m still waiting to see how God is changing me and using me. I’m still waiting on calls I may never receive. I’m waiting on my SAT scores that may be better or worse than I hope. I’m waiting on God. I’m uncomfortable and discontent as I wait with impatience. I’ve been told many times to be present and live in the moment, and I suppose that’s the closet thing to patience I may be able to achieve. That is if only I could remember patience is present and presence is peace.

Up On The Mountain

November has been a month of many things; some exuberant things, but also difficult things. Through this month I’ve struggled with my attitude. While I can say that some days I’m motivated and have a feel-good attitude about serving or learning, but other days I fall short and struggle. I love to serve and learn, but I’ve lost my patience; lost it with myself, and lost it with people from time to time. You could say that I’m breaking down, and perhaps it’s all too true. I suppose if you live the high life of adventure you have to come down at some point. That’s because in this past month I’ve moaned when it’s come to cleaning… I moan when I have to spend an afternoon cleaning rooms that guests have been in, and sometimes with people that I don’t think are the ideal cleaning team for me. I’ve even at one point during a dish clean had been in a real somber mood… I wanted to sit in a corner, cry and scream for what felt like no reason and not even being half done, I wanted to leave to avoid people. I get annoyed, not just by cleaning. I don’t know what to do about it half the time either. I blame being in introvert, howbeit, people don’t usually believe me because I apparently talk a lot… however, this also applies to the fact that I have the battle of choosing between sleeping or being alone, or sometimes doing homework. As silly as it sounds, I also get annoyed when people just say “hi Mel!” and nothing else. Really, I don’t want to feel obligated to say “hi” back, but I don’t want to be rude either. Did I mention there are days I want to be off of everything… life specifically. Truly, wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have laundry, or homework, or to apply for school, or summer jobs? Yes, it would be. Here’s the thing, it’s Thanksgiving week, and it feels like a wreck, thus I’m it’s more of what the heck! week. I find that while I could be thankful that I made it back to my parent’s house safely and that I’m living in the moment with hardly a choice, but doing it, but I can’t say I feel super thankful or joyful even though I should. As a matter of fact, I spent the past week feeling everything it seemed, as I backpacked the Guadalupe Mountains 15.5 miles over 4 days, and while that was a great without a doubt, I had to face the music and tell my story after backpacking and before coming home. Now I’m home, but after today it’s been a wreck. I hear bad news after bad news with my family. I’ve started reading James as my Bible study while I’m home… and if I’m being honest about applying the Word of God as true to life, then I must say I am learning through living intensely. I admit, trusting in God when things get difficult is something I am continuing to learn and it’s not fun, nor easy, because I find myself sometimes bitter and insecure as I deal with things I don’t enjoy. I know that in the church it’s said that “God is good all the time and all the time God is good.”
And meanwhile, I know that’s true because I’ve seen it repeatedly, I also know trusting that His plan for me and my family is greater than anything, but I’m bewildered, I’m anxious and have never felt more in the unknown more than now. I want to see God in some euphoric way, I want to meet God in a collision not just some spiritual-high every now and then. I feel distant from everything and sometimes even feel isolated because I find that I’m learning and relearning so many things and my ever following companion anxiety is my insecurity.

Shane and Shane — Though You Slay Me